Sleeping Awake
by WildernessGirlCookies
Summary: The Crew visits Serenity Valley. Mal's P.O.V. With lyrics for "Sleeping Awake" by P.O.D.


Just an idea I got while I was reading another fanfic.

Don't know whether this will turn into Mal/Inara pairing.

Summary: It's ten years to the day since the Browncoats lost the war. Ten years since Mal had cast off his cross and taken on another, heavier one.

The crew visits Serenity Valley. Kaylee finds something shiny in the ground....

With the lyrics to P.O.D's song "Sleeping Awake"

Taking Up His Cross

His mama's last memory of him before she died had been of a happy Mal. Before he left for the war. She'd begged him not to go, but he told her it was something he had to do. It was the right thing to do. Those were the last words he ever spoke to her.

In a way he was glad. She couldn't see what he'd become. She was with the Lord. Somewhere he would never be.

Done too much bad.

_Reveal to me the mysteries_

_Can you tell me what it means?_

She'd know what to say, though. She'd hold him, tell him she loved him, then she'd tell him to get his head straight. She always knew what to say.

_Explain these motion and metaphors_

_Unlock these secrets in me_

He'd forgotten what she looked like. He knew that if he could look upon her again, he'd see how he should've been. How he was before his soul was twisted and torn apart by war.

_Describe the vision, the meaning is missing_

_Won't anybody listen?_

_Define the riddles in my mind_

_Nothing is really what it seems_

It was ten years to the day since the Browncoats lost the war. Ten years since Mal had cast off his cross and taken on another heavier one.

Ten years since Malcolm Reynolds had died.

A big part of him wanted to turn and run, leave Serenity Valley behind. Another part was inexplicably drawn to it. Made him desire to go back to the last time he felt whole. Ever since that day, the day the war ended, Mal had dreamed of Serenity Valley. It was the reason he named his boat Serenity.

He was as much a part of it as it was of him.

The week before the anniversary of the Browncoats defeat, he'd wake every night with a cold sweat. The dreams had grown more potent as they drew nearer to Serenity Valley.

_Dreaming of Zion, awake_

_Sleeping awake_

_Dreaming of Zion, awake_

_Can't stop sleeping awake_

He'd feel a hand on his wrist trying holding tight, trying to pull him back down and he'd think it was one of the fallen, paying him back for the years they lost. Then she'd whisper his name. She'd sit up, put one arm and take his face in her other hand, forcing him to tear his eyes from the scene unfolding in his minds eye and look into hers.

In some ways she wished she could read his mind. In some ways she didn't. But she thought, either way that if she could see what he saw maybe she could help him. But as soon as she gained eye contact he put up the guards in his mind. She didn't have to see it. These were his nightmares. He didn't want to burden her with them.

_Do you see what I see?_

_And can you hear what I hear?_

_Do you feel what I feel?_

_Can't stop sleeping awake._

_Do you see what I see?_

_And can you hear what I hear?_

_Do you feel like I feel?  
Can't stop sleeping..._

She'd kiss him, gently, reassuringly.

She'd said to him when they got together, that she couldn't carry his burdens for him, but she could carry him.

He would lay back down and she would cuddle up to him, wrapping her arm around him as if to protect him. He didn't have the heart to tell her that she couldn't. No one could.

He set foot on the soil of Serenity Valley. He had half a mind to run back on board and tell Wash to take them out of the world, but it was time to stop running.

The crew was standing behind him, waiting for him to take the first step. Because if he couldn't, how could they?

He could feel their eyes on his back, burning a hole in him. He wanted to turn around and tell them to stop staring, but they would probably think he was crazy.

_Can you see it?The writing,_

_Can you tell me what it means?_

_Translate the symbols, Enigma_

_Expressions keep questioning me_

_The message is written, the meaning is missing_

_Won't anybody listen?_

This wasn't the Serenity Valley from his dreams. It had been littered with the bodies of his men. Their blood had mixed with the dirt, and they had become one with the earth. He lay waiting for the God he no longer believed in to strike him down.

_Prophesy, interpret the signs_

_Nothing is really what it seems_

_Dreaming of Zion, awake_

_Sleeping awake_

_Dreaming of Zion, awake_

_Can't stop sleeping awake_

The Serenity Valley he remembered was filled the sound of bullets, and bombs exploding all around, soldiers screaming as they were struck down, groaning as they fought for their lives, knowing this was the end.

He lead the crew through the Valley, not knowing where he was going. He would walk until his legs could no longer carry him. Because seeing all that death, being back here, only reminded him how desperately he wanted to live.

"Cap'n, wait! I found something," Kaylee stopped and knelt down, while the crew gathered around to see what she'd found. He had half a mind to to tell Kaylee to leave it be, but then there was nothing left of the Serenity Valley he remembered. Nothing that could harm him. Or was there?

Kay stood, and held up a metal cross. It was faded and scratched. Mal's heart lurched painfully at that moment.

That was his cross.

_Do you see what I see?_

_And can you hear what I hear?_

_Do you feel what I feel?_

_Can't stop sleeping awake_

_Do you see what I see?_

_And can you hear what I hear?_

_Do you feel like I feel?_

_Can't stop sleeping awake_

_Do you see what I see?_

_Can you hear what I hear what I hear?_

_And do you see what I see?_

_And can you hear what I hear?_

_And do you feel like I feel?_

_And can you dream like I dream?_

Mal suppressed the feeling that was building up inside him, the feeling that made him want to scream and simply said, "Huh."

He turned away quickly and kept walking and the crew followed. Mal felt like crying.

That was his cross. He heard Kaylee patting her pocket. Oh, God. Now she was gonna be showing it off all day.

_Do you see what I see?_

_Can you hear what I hear?_

_Or do you feel like I feel?_

_Or do you dream like I dream?_

_Anybody see me?_

_Anybody hear me?_

_Anybody feel me?_

_Anybody out there?!_

_Dreaming of Zion, awake_

_Sleeping awake_

_Dreaming of Zion, awake_

_Can't stop sleeping awake_

_Do you see what I see?_

_And can you hear what I hear?_

_Do you feel what I feel?_

_Can't stop sleeping awake_

_Do you see what I see?_

_And can you hear what I hear?_

_Do you feel like I feel?_

_Can't stop sleeping awake_

After an hour of aimless wandering, Mal turned and walked back to the ship. He felt himself being dragged down by this place. He had to leave, or it would destroy him. Kill him all over again. He was relieved when he heard the clank of Serenity's ramp under his boots.

He didn't realise how fast he'd been running, until he turned and saw the crew stumbling after him, struggling for breath.

He took one last wistful look across Serenity Valley, before turning and boarding Serenity.

_Anybody see me?_

_Anybody hear me?_

_Anybody feel me?_

_Anybody out there?!_


End file.
